What a crazy, crazy, weird Monday, everyone. Well, inflation is soaring. Our southern border is a mess. Afghanistan is terror central again. And Budweiser just named this as a new brand spokesman.
But there's an even greater menace looming out there. It's celebrities who lost their status. I'm referring to the blue checks. And I'm not talking about someone choking on their stake in Prague. Oh, yeah. I debated internally whether to leave that joke in or not. It's terrible. It's one of the worst jokes we've ever heard. So I left it in. Last week, Twitter removed the user verification symbols known as blue checks. From any account that doesn't cough up eight bucks to subscribe to Twitter Blue. The cash will go toward replacing Elon's rocket that exploded. It's a shame, he only had two more payments to go. So celebs saw their blue checks go away, including Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, the Rock. And, of course, Greg Gutfeld. And my personal favorite, the pope. Yeah. Try getting eight bucks out of that guy. He always says he left his wallet in his other cassock.
But then on Saturday, Twitter re-verified many users with massive followings, including dead people like Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant. Of course, accounts remain active for the brain-dead.
PICTURE OF VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS' TWITTER ACCOUNT
So it turns out Elon Musk is offering free blue checks for several celebs who hate him, including LeBron and Stephen King. It's a cute move, like when I loaned 50 bucks to Brian Stelter for some pants. What was he doing without pants in an Applebee's, anyway? But then came the meltdown from tons of celebs who want you to know that they didn't pay the eight bucks to get Twitter Blue. King tweets, "My Twitter account says I've subscribed to Twitter Blue. But I haven't." Man, he was as scared as any dentist who sees his teeth.
Alyssa Milano tweeted, "Just wondering if you all see a blue checkmark, too, or am I seeing things?" Well, Alyssa, you're definitely not seeing things, including job offers. Then there's the walking stool sample- Patton Oswalt. Remember him? Most people don't. He tweets, "Whew. Did the 'change your name then change it back' trick and the blue check went away. Good to know." Hmm. All right, buddy. Popular journalist, if that's a real thing, were whining too. Maggie Haberman of The New York Times isn't happy [and] says she "didn't subscribe." And when Paul Krugman complained, saying he's "definitely not paying for it," Elon Musk replied with this.
You know, some celebrities went the other way. Charlie Sheen actually asked Musk for his blue check back and he got it and then he smoked it. I bet Sheen can't remember ever being this happy, but the media is tied up in knots. Axios describes the blue check as a badge of dishonor. Slate calls it a scarlet letter proving that the folks at Slate are so stupid they don't know scarlet and blue are different colors. And when did everybody get so weird? And that's coming from me. I mean, I'm weird. Good luck getting an answer from Twitter. They don't have a PR department anymore, and all press inquiries get the same automatic reply. A poop emoji. That's why I like Elon, which is really how most journalists should be treated because they're needed d*** bags full of s***. But back in the old days, by which I mean ten years ago, a blue check simply meant that you were who you claim to be.
All you had to do was show them ID just like when I claim my AARP discount at Cinnabon. Then pre-Musk Twitter started taking away people's blue checks for saying things that angered libs. Conform or we won't let you be you. And that never made any sense. That changed the blue check from a very simple verification to some sort of status symbol. Once again, anything libs touch turns to crap. Now, a blue check meant you were better than everybody else. And then Elon bought the place, started selling the blue checks for eight bucks to anyone who wanted to pay. And what did that do? Well, in the insecure heads of celebrities and media hacks, it zapped their status. They felt miserable.
Their velvet rope didn't keep the little people out. So a blue check no longer projected their superiority. Celebs had a little block of pixels that they saw as a status symbol, and now they see it as the opposite because it's just not fair to them when people are treated equally. Yes, it's silly for a billionaire to make it look like famous people are paying for his app. Also, it's silly for famous people to panic that it looks like they're paying for a billionaire's app. Can everybody just take a break and pretend they're not crazy for 5 minutes? Life is starting to feel like a pre-board for a Spirit Airlines flight.
Being a liberal must be so exhausting from one moment to the next. You don't know who's your friend and who's your foe. It could change back and forth at any moment. Heck, it happened to me today.
BETTE MIDLER WHINES AFTER LOSING COVETED TWITTER VERIFICATION: ‘ELON TOOK MY BLUE CHECK AWAY!’
VIDEO OF A SKIT: You know, we could totally tweet as Greg and no one would know the difference. He'll never pay that eight bucks. How about this one? "The only reason I make fun of Kilmeade so much is because I simply want to be him. #HandsomeTown. Post. Nice. Oh, I got one. The only thing I love more than the Red Hot Chili Peppers is The View. #BestshowonTV. Post. Noice. How about this one? Geraldo had some good points last night. Post."
GUTFELD: Get back to work and no pee breaks.
EMPLOYEE 1: But sir, employee 6147 forgot his pee jar.
GUTFELD: Then hold it.
EMPLOYEE 2: I love you, father.
EMPLOYEE 1: It's okay. You can use mine.
Excellent acting, by the way. And I'm not his father. But in case you're wondering, I might actually pay for the Twitter blue check myself only because it matches my beautiful eyes. And I don't want people pretending to be me. Well, unless they're funnier.
